


Mind is a Razor Blade

by rickbisexualgrimes



Category: The Walking Dead (Comics), The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon Typical Violence, Far Future, First Kiss, Insecurity, M/M, Regan Week 2018
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-30
Updated: 2018-08-30
Packaged: 2019-06-30 13:24:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15752574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rickbisexualgrimes/pseuds/rickbisexualgrimes
Summary: Becoming apart of the community was a long road that Negan finally reached the end of.  And with that came the hard realization of just how deep his feelings for Rick really are. Only he's not the only one who feels that way.





	Mind is a Razor Blade

**Author's Note:**

> day 4 - Future 
> 
>  
> 
> please enjoy this slight ball of angst that has a pay off in the end. 
> 
>  
> 
> leave comments, kudos & bookmark this!

Rain was coming down really fucking hard and Negan was stuck outside taking care of some shit. Even though he was advised to avoid the Sanctuary, just to keep tensions down, he decided to help with the gathering lumber task. A sudden swarm of walkers of course had to interrupt that so now they were fighting them off. It wasn't enough to be considered a herd but it was enough to fuck shit up.

 

  
Due to the fact that Lucille ended up getting broken during a fight, he had to figure out a new weapon for himself. He went with a rather large knife. The type of knife that showed you weren't to be fucked with.

 

  
People weren't exactly scared of him anymore because the Whisperers had been more of a nightmare. Those people had been literal animals who were fine with rape and all sorts of shit. In Negan's books the world didn't lose anything when they got rid of those fucks. Negan lunged at the walker coming towards him, he plunged the knife into the walker's mushy skull then ripped it out. He kept moving to the next one and the next one. Watching the slimy dead fucks fall one by one to the now slippery ground.

 

  
Jadis watched him often probably per Rick's request or some shit. Her dead looking eyes almost stared through him like he was a ghost. All those years ago she had tied him up and almost killed him. Then he poured his heart out to her when he really had wanted Rick to be the first to know. She had to be watching him due to Rick asking and not because of her long dead people. Apparently she'd integrated into Alexandria quite easily, she was apart of them now, and didn't behave like a fucking freak anymore. He even noticed good old Gabe was different now. His one eye was gone so he probably bounded with Carl over that shit.

 

  
Since they were enough of them, clearing up the walkers felt like nothing. Negan could handle that amount in his sleep if he really needed to. It was a matter of getting the bodies in a pile. Everyone was able to drag the bodies on their own though. His hands were covered in gunk and slime by the end so he took the emergency cloth out of his pocket. Negan figured one of these days Rick would sleep with him. Then he'd have the cloth for if Rick was a freak and wanted his spunk on his face.

 

  
The lumber was loaded up in the one vehicle they actually decided to bring along. And then everyone else got back on their horses to head back to Alexandria. Negan hated riding horses but it was mandatory. Unless you happened to be severely disabled. He started riding slowly because he enjoyed being outside even more so now. Jadis rode up beside him with a certain look on her face. He didn't say anything to until after twenty minutes of her staring at him deliberately.

 

  
"Did you want somethin' or what?" Negan cleared his throat awkwardly. "If what you're after is my dick then get in line."

 

  
Jadis huffed out a laugh, "Not interested. Not my type."

 

  
"Glad we're on the same page with that shit. Now what did you really want? You've been staring at my mug the whole time we've been out here. Did Rick put you up to this?"

 

  
"He did. Wanted me to watch and see if you'd be good."

 

  
Negan shook his head because it was absolute bullshit that Rick still didn't trust him. "I think I proved myself when I brought back that crazy bitch Alpha's head. Brought it back for Rick as a gift, a sign of trust. I didn't exactly get a thank you blow job afterwards but -"

 

  
"You? Interested in Rick? Hm. Makes sense." Jadis still had a way about her that made chills go up Negan's spine. She spoke in longer sentences now but still gave clipped responses at times.

 

  
"Have been for a long goddamn time. Unfortunately he'd never go for me, what with me being his former enemy and all. Not to mention he's with Michonne still."

 

  
"He's not. Not anymore. Broke up."

 

  
"What? What the fuck did you just say?" Negan kept his eyes forward so he wouldn't get knocked off by a fucking branch. Never again.

 

  
"They broke up." Jadis repeated, this time with a bit more irritation in her voice. Almost sounded like she couldn't be bothered with his questions or whatever. She told him simply that they broke up recently. That it was mutual. Apparently Michonne was going to move to divide her time between the Hilltop and Alexandria. How Jadis of all fucking people knew all this was beyond him.

 

  
"Do you know how Rick's doing? Is he okay?"

 

  
"He told me he was okay. I asked him if it was okay if I try."

 

  
Negan blinked a couple times and tried not to forget he was still riding a horse. "Try what?"

 

  
"Michonne." Jadis responded nonchalantly before she rode ahead of him.

 

  
Absolute shock had Negan barely paying attention to his surroundings. Which resulted in him getting knocked off by a branch again and it spooked his horse. The horse which Daryl named "Dixie" galloped ahead. Negan heard various screams that indicated she spooked a few people. He groaned as he got off the ground and a few moments later Jadis was riding back. Surprisingly she extended a hand out to him then told him to hop on with her.

 

  
They rode back together in silence and Dixie was led back with them somehow. Of course Rosita wasn't impressed with him almost losing her in the first place, not like she'd ever liked him anyways. Negan got off Jadis' horse then asked her if she was telling the truth about Michonne and Rick. She told him she was.

 

 

Negan woke up in the morning, alone and still shocked about the news of Rick's break up. This meant he had a slight chance to tell Rick how he really felt without wrecking anything. If he had told him while he was with Michonne it wouldn't have really mattered. Now he could openly pour his fucking heart out without people getting on his ass.

 

  
His assignment for the day was to actually go on a run with Rick. The only person that anyone seemed to trust him being around. Probably due to Rick being able to keep him in check. Where as everyone else had a more difficult time even tolerating him. He took a brief shower, scrubbed himself down with the wash cloths the Kingdom had made, they were pretty colorful. Carol had apparently been teaching more people how to sew and make clothes. He remembered the day the package was placed on his door step and the note that came with it. The note said "Here's some wash cloths and don't be an asshole. - Carol."

 

  
After finishing up his shower and getting dressed he grabbed a piece of fruit for breakfast. Then he headed out to find Rick so they could go on this run together. He ran into Carl who only put his middle finger up as his greeting. That kid was even more of an asshole because of him, which made Negan proud. Judith was babysat during the week because everyone was too busy. So he probably wouldn't have the chance to see the little angel. No one seemed to believe that he genuinely cared about Judith. Except for maybe Rick, Carl and Michonne. Everyone, including people he didn't fucking know, would accuse him of being a bad influence. People would keep their kids from him like they were all goddamn saints or something.

 

  
He found Rick talking to Daryl and Rosita who seemed invested in whatever the hell he was talking about.

 

  
Once he got closer to the conversation they stopped talking or more like Rosita and Daryl did. Even after all these years and how he helped the goddamn war they still glared at him. Rosita was now a mother, she got pregnant by Siddiq during a one night stand but ended up with Tara in the end. Now they were all three raising a child together. Daryl was in a relationship with Jesus but they broke up recently for some reason. So Negan found himself confused that they even still gave a fuck about the past.

 

  
Rick cleared his throat and told both Rosita and Daryl that he'd catch up with them later that evening. They reluctantly left them alone together then Rick greeted with a genuine smile. Negan always felt himself getting lost in Rick's eyes.

 

  
"Good mornin' to you too gorgeous." Negan waggled his eyebrows playfully which made Rick laugh. "What the fuck is this run for anyways?"

 

  
"Would you believe me if I told you that we're not really goin' on a run?" Rick's voice was almost a whisper like he didn't want anyone to know. His eyes looked more tired than they used to. Of course they were both getting a lot older but still their good looks so that was a relief. Negan always worried about looking ugly as fuck eventually. Where as Rick, although older and more grey, looked beautiful still.

 

  
"So you're finally taking me up on that offer of a quick fuck in the car?" Negan cackled while Rick shook his head in an amused fashion.

 

  
Rick jabbed him playfully, "You'd like that wouldn't you? Me with my sort of bum leg and you with your achy back."

 

  
"I'd love whatever you gave me."

 

  
Fuck, I shouldn't have said that. Negan internally screamed at himself.

 

  
"Anyways, let's be serious now. I wanna take you somewhere to tell you somethin' and it needs to be in this one spot."

 

  
"Why this one spot?"

 

  
"It's significant to what I want to say but I didn't want anyone knowin' that we're goin' there."

 

  
Negan felt nervous about wherever Rick was taking him but agreed anyways. "Not like I have a choice. Right? Besides we could both use a fucking road trip."

 

* * *

 

 

 

"So, a little birdie told me what happened between you and Michonne."

 

  
"Who was the little birdie if I may ask?"

 

  
"It was Jadis. You know she's totally gonna make a pass at Michonne, right?" Negan wanted to see Rick's reaction in person. "As in she totally wants a piece of her."

 

  
Rick laughed like they weren't talking about his ex. "I know, she's always been persistent when she wants somethin' and I'm used to her now. Michonne can do what she wants, as long as she's safe."

 

  
"You still love her."

 

  
"I always will but we both knew our relationship had run its course. And we were good together for a while until it just wasn't helpin' either of us grow. I guess we needed the relationship in order to reach this point. She's still family and always will be. After everythin' we've been through and how she's been a mother to Carl and Judith. She's all that Judith has ever known in terms of a mother."

 

  
"So you're back on the market?" Negan tried to phrase that in a way that was just a general question. When the reality was he wanted to know if Rick was interested in anyone new.

 

  
"Yeah, I guess I am. But I'm too old to be actin' like a young stud. I don't know who'd be interested in me anyways. Not once in my life have I ever done a casual hook up." Rick sighed as they rode into a familiar field. The grass was incredibly green and the sun was beaming down on them. They both took sips of water from their water bottle then rode on.

 

  
The area they were in felt too eerie and familiar in Negan's opinion. Almost like they'd been there before at some point in time. Though whenever it was definitely not in the past few months or year for that matter.

 

  
Negan stopped his horse momentarily, "Where the hell are we goin', Rick? I mean this place feels off to me and I know you're calling the shots but I don't like this."

 

  
"I sure hope you wouldn't like this 'cause this is where it all ended." Rick kept riding ahead and encouraged him to follow. "Or do you not remember?"

 

  
One of the only things that could be referencing is the war. Which meant they were going to the spot that Rick slit his throat all those years ago. How he batted his fucking eyelashes, talked about having a future then he slit his throat open.

 

  
Eventually they reached the hill that lead down to the tree where everything came to a stop. Negan felt his stomach twisting in fucking knots because this wasn't a good memory. This was where his position as leader ended, where he lost the war, where Rick almost killed him. Maybe he deserved to feel like shit still and this was a reminder of just that.

 

  
More than likely Rick was going to tell him that or possibly slit his throat for a final fucking time. Only this time no one would save him. Negan would die where he should have died in the first place. And somehow he was perfectly fine with that possibility.

 

  
They reached the bottom of the hill and tied the horses to the tree, the painted glass was still there after all this time. A huge chunk was missing like they'd left it. Negan wanted to reach us and touch it.

 

  
Negan got to his knees like they were acting the moment out. "Go ahead. I won't make this shit difficult this time."

 

  
"What are you doin', Negan?" Rick seemed confused and almost alarmed by his behavior.

 

  
"Kill me for real this fucking time, okay? Make it quick. I know that's why you brought me out here. To tell me I'm really not apart of the community and that I need to go. Maggie probably put you up to this. Is she here?"

 

  
"That wasn't why I brought you out here. If I was gonna kill you I wouldn't do like this. Get up."

 

  
"No."

 

  
"Get the hell up."

 

  
Instead of being stubborn, he listened to Rick and got up off his knees. They were standing closer together and Rick was shaking his head at him. He wanted to cry, to beg, to plead with Rick to end it. That's what the spot was causing him to feel.

 

  
Rick went to touch his cheek but refrained from actually doing so. "I forgive you."

 

  
"What the fuck did you just say?" Negan almost snarled at Rick. "You can't possibly mean that shit."

 

  
"You served your time, you've helped us when you coulda stayed gone and used the Whisperers for revenge. So I forgive you for what you've done. These past years I've had time to think of who I am. We're more alike that I wanted to admit. Of course you've done horrible things but we all have. If I can forgive myself then I can forgive you."

 

  
"Do you realize how fucking insane this sounds? What I did to all of you was..it makes me hate myself. I did what I had to so I could survive and keep people alive. But I took people from you, good fucking people."

 

  
"Negan, all of that is in the past. I won't ever forget what you've done but I can say that I actually forgive you now. I came here to tell you that 'cause the last time we were here it was different. We wanted to kill each other and at the same time we didn't."

 

  
"Is that all you wanted to tell me?"

 

  
Rick's face softened as he shook his head. "No."

 

  
"What else did you need to say?" Negan didn't take his eyes off Rick, he couldn't stop himself from staring into his eyes. Just as Rick was about to say something, a walker came out of nowhere. How they didn't hear it made no fucking sense. The walker snarled and collided with them, causing Rick to fall onto his bad leg. Negan went for his knife but it wasn't where he last put it.

 

  
Since Rick wasn't as limber as he used to be, he seemed to be struggling with just one walker. And for whatever fucking reason he didn't bring that bad ass weapon of his. They didn't use guns as much anymore and knives were the go to. But Rick was having to hold the walker by the neck as it snapped at his face. Negan couldn't fucking wait for a weapon anymore so he lunged at the dead fucker.

 

  
He got on top of it before shoving his fingers into its eyes. The walker was still snarling but he got up quick enough to stomp on its face. Each stomp was a release of anger or fear of what may have happened. They got too used to handling everything that came their way that they forgot about walkers.

 

  
Negan extended a hand to Rick, which he took and he got him up off the ground. They exchanged a look with each other that said more than words ever could. Whatever Rick wanted to tell him was hard to say out loud. Maybe it was just that he cared about him. Though in Negan's wildest dreams Rick would tell him that he had feelings for him too.

 

  
That was only a dream and dreams didn't come true that fucking often.

 

  
"You should be more fucking careful, Rick. If anything had happened to you..I don't know what I'd have fucking done. Probably let that thing kill me too."

 

  
"I know I should be more careful out here. Not exactly young anymore and with my leg feelin' this way I should be more alert."

 

  
Somehow their horses didn't get spooked so they were still tied to the tree. Negan helped Rick over to his horse and even offered to get him back up on top. Of course he made a joke about touching Rick's ass. Years ago that would have earned him a glare but Rick only shook his head slowly.

 

  
Rick got back on the saddle and adjusted himself to keep his leg comfortable. "You wanna come over for dinner later? Carl's goin' back to the Hilltop today and Judith won't be a problem. She..she loves hanging out with you."

 

"Sorry but I'll have to decline on you making me dinner. Instead I'll make you and that little angel somethin'. In case you've forgotten, you're a fucking terrible cook."

 

  
That one comment got them forgetting about the possible disaster and reminder that their glory days were behind them.

 

* * *

 

 

The smell of lemon and herb chicken filled up Rick's whole kitchen. Over the years there were more options in terms of flavoring for food. Not that Negan really ate bland meals when he was the Saviors' leader. But other people more than likely suffered that under his rule. Spices went fast in the Sanctuary so it didn't matter how many points you had. There was always someone who beat another person to the fucking punch.

 

  
Every few minutes the little angel would rush into the kitchen, tug on his pants and ask him when it would be ready. It felt like he was apart of something and it made his heart ache because he really wasn't. Rick probably only invited him to be nice.

 

  
When the chicken was finally ready he took it out of the oven and served it alongside some fresh bread. Rick and Judith thanked him for the meal then they dug in. The "mmm's" told him that it clearly tasted good. In the old world Negan loved cooking, not even just because Lucille was never a great cook, but because he genuinely enjoyed it.

 

  
He kept bumping Rick's knee under the table which Rick didn't seem to mind.

 

  
During dessert, which was some baked goods from the Kingdom, Judith asked the most alarming question.

 

  
"Negan?" Judith asked with a mouthful of Carol's cookies.

 

  
Negan leaned in to show interest for whatever it is she was asking. "Yes, darlin' ?

 

  
"Do you love my daddy?"

 

  
For a moment Negan felt like everything froze and it was just him who was moving. Answering that question with the truth would be embarrassing. Though answering with a lie could fuck shit up. So Negan went with detouring the question all together.

 

  
"Why do you ask, honey?" Negan couldn't bring himself to look at Rick who was clearly staring at him.

 

  
Judith had a twinkle in her eyes that screamed mischief. "I think my daddy loves you..he talks about you all the time."

 

  
"Alright, Judith. I think it may be time to go and play so Negan and I can have adult time. Can you do that for me sweetheart?"

 

  
With a shrug, Judith took her cookies, got out of seat and ran off to go play.

 

  
Negan had to do something to avoid the awkwardness so he decided he'd clear the table. While he did that Rick just sat there with his drink, twirling it around in his glass and looking contemplative. Somehow Negan just knew they'd end up talking about Judith asked him. And why he didn't just say no because Negan loving him was ridiculous in itself. After taking his time with clearing the table, doing the dishes and putting the leftovers away, they went to the living room.

 

  
It wasn't that late in the evening because Negan got dinner in the oven early. So there was still a fair amount of light outside. Negan wanted to suggest a walk but Rick seemed too tired.

 

  
"Long day today." Rick yawned loudly. "Sorry."

 

  
Negan waved him off because it wasn't a big deal. "It's fine, Rick. We had a day."

 

  
"I've had this conversation before, a long time ago. Feels weird sittin' here like this with you."

 

  
"Who'd you have the conversation with?"

 

  
A brief silence occurred before Rick responded back to him, "Michonne. It was the we kissed for the first time. Actually it was the first night for everythin' really. Our days were long and I lost a shit load of supplies in the lake 'cause of Jesus. I came back and we just sat on the couch together."

 

  
"That's all it took?" Negan moved his head so they were facing each other. "Sounds nice."

 

  
"It was nice but it was a long time ago."

 

  
"You sound tired, do you want me to -"

 

  
"What I wanted to tell you today was somethin' that's been hiding inside me for a long time now. You don't need to say anythin' back to me or feel an obligation. But I wouldn't mind if you did." Rick squeezed his eyes shut and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Sorry I'm just nervous."

 

  
"Nervous about what? It's just me." Negan's hand was next to Rick's on the couch and he inched it closer. Touching Rick was a big no no, unless Rick wanted that, so he kept it to himself.

 

  
"I have feelings for you. Pretty sure I've had feelings for you longer than I wanted to admit. Even Michonne knew, secretly I know she knew. All those playful jabs 'bout how I was visiting you almost everyday. She called you my boyfriend a couple times actually."

 

  
As Rick talked about playful conversations between him and Michonne, Negan focused on his lips. Hearing those words out loud, knowing Rick felt the same was everything he'd ever fucking wanted.

 

  
During the whole time he'd known Rick, he was almost never silent. Not even a little fucking bit. Usually he'd be going off about something or saying nonsensical shit. So this was the quietest he'd ever been around the man.

 

  
Obviously Rick caught onto to how quiet he was because he apologized for rambling. Negan told him that he didn't need to apologize then took his hand casually. They were caught in a really vulnerable moment. A moment that Negan couldn't fuck up with his rambling or fear. Rick didn't wait for him to say anything and started to lean over. When their lips connected it's like Negan's body was on fire. Not even in just a sexual way.

 

  
His hand snaked around Rick's body and roamed underneath Rick's white t-shirt. That caused Rick to tremble, maybe out of nervousness or something else entirely. Negan gently pushed Rick back so he was laying down. Eagerly Rick's pretty little bow legs spread so he could position himself between them. Negan kissed Rick more passionately than he'd ever kissed someone. He wanted to rip those tight jeans off Rick and fuck him til they passed out.

 

  
All that hunger and desire for Rick was screaming inside Negan's body, he wanted the man so damn badly. Before he would think about fucking Rick all rough and gritty, leaving marks so everyone would see. It was about lust and marking territory all the years ago. Now it was about a whole lot more than that. So much fucking more.

 

  
He slowed the pace because he knew Rick had never been with a man like this. Maybe light contact in the past but never all the way. So he didn't want to scare Rick off before he even got his jeans off. Negan pulled away from Rick's lips and saw how flushed he looked.

 

  
"I want this so goddamn badly but I want it to be more special. Fuck, I sound like an overemotional sap." Negan chuckled nervously.

 

  
Rick reached up and touched his face in the most tender way possible. "It's alright. You can stay the night still, if you want to. My bed has got a lot of space."

 

  
"I'd love that."

 

* * *

 

 

If anyone were to tell Negan that he'd ever be laying in Rick's bed, pressed up against him, he would have laughed his ass off.

 

  
What were the odds of him ever actually having Rick like that before? Probably slim to none unless Rick lost his shit and finally fucked him. Even when he was out of control during the war, he never sunk that deep.

 

  
Negan planted a soft kiss on Rick's shoulder then traveled towards his neck. "I never thought I'd ever lay in the same bed as you. How fucking lucky am I?"

 

  
"And I never thought I'd ever let you touch me. Now I kinda don't want you to stop." Rick's voice was sleepy and in Negan's opinion that was the cutest fucking thing ever.

 

  
"That can be arranged."

 

  
"I don't know how I'm gonna tell Carl. Hopefully he doesn't disapprove too much."

 

  
"He's grown up a lot, Rick. So I'm sure he'll understand." Negan knew most of the people in Rick's life wouldn't approve of their relationship. Not like their opinions mattered that fucking much. As long as Rick was happy and safe it shouldn't matter who he's with.

 

  
"You know he's suspected somethin' was between us before." Rick moved so that he was facing Negan. "So it may not be that much of a shock once we tell him."

 

  
Whether it was a shock to anyone or not, Negan felt more alive than he had in years. Getting out of the cell didn't even compare, not to the type of freedom that came with having Rick. Negan tenderly kissed Rick's lips and stroked his finger up and down his arm. He couldn't ask for more than this.

 

 


End file.
